Through the Fog


Sometimes life is just hard, ya know? Tragic. 2018 began with the unexpected death of my brother-in-law on January 1st. We’re trying to make our way through the fog.

“Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.


Happy December my friends! A month of reflection as the year comes to a close. 2017 will always be a special year for me. An emotional year. A year that can’t be summed up in words. I’ve tried a few times to post updates on this cochlear implant hearing experience. It’s unexplainable. I’ve called this CI a gift before, but it’s more like an overflowing stocking. So many gifts that keep being brought out of it. One little thing after another. I’ll start with three. Three gifts that I shared with my Facebook friends at the end of day one…

“Top 3 moments from my first 24 hours of hearing…

1. As I first exited the House Ear Clinic I heard running water from a large fountain in front of the building. Barely even out the door and I started crying. The sound of flowing water is so amazingly beautiful!

2. You all know I love kids, right? Being a preschool teacher was the best job ever! Until their little voices started to disappear. Young children’s voices land in the higher frequencies, which I lost first. So, having back and forth conversation with my cousin’s 2 year old daughter, and understanding her sweet little words, was such a precious time for me!

3. I was told beforehand not to expect a lot with music right away. (My husband) decided to play a song for me anyway, just to see if I might recognize it. It was noise at first, but I closed my eyes and kept listening… and there it was … 🎶oh I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain🎶… I started singing, and sobbing. I’ve missed music so much!

The cochlear implant is such a gift!”


Fall has been full of Thanksgiving. I can’t yet put into words the emotions I’ve experienced. The cochlear implant is an amazing gift. Today I walked through the fall leaves on my sidewalk listening to them crunch under my feet. Grateful.

Cochlear Implant: A Six Step Process

Tomorrow is my activation day which has my thoughts wrapped up in this incredible process of hearing again. As my mind considers this process, I keep thinking its a bit like tea.

Tea is a process… 

Choose the best flavor, prepare the teapot, wait as it steeps, pour the first cup, take small sips until it’s just the right temperature, and finally, enjoy! A cochlear implant is a bit like that.

1.) Choose the best flavor:

I love walking into a tea shop and just breathing in the magnificent smells. So many flavors, as well as a thousand different teapots and decorative mugs to choose from. Just like most things in life, cochlear implants offer a variety of good choices. Which company? (Cochlear, Advanced Bionics, Med El? All of them good!) Which model? (Nucleus, Kanso, Neptune, Synchrony, and more. All of them good!) Which size, which color, which accessories?

The thing about choosing the best tea is that it’s a personal choice. Everyone’s taste buds are different, so it’s not really about which kind is best, it’s about which kind is preferred by YOU. Do you wear glasses and prefer to not have 2 things on your ear? Maybe Kanso. Do you spend a lot of your time in the water? Maybe Neptune. My personal choice was the Cochlear Nucleus 7 because I am able to control everything with my iPhone, a technology benefit that fits MY taste buds.

2.) Prepare the teapot:

My favorite teapot is in the photo above. The pot gets filled with water, and a little basket on top gets filled with loose leaf tea, then covered by the lid before being placed on the stovetop. Filling the teapot is a bit like surgery day. Open, insert, close. There are 2 distinct parts to a cochlear implant(CI) hearing system. The first is the part that is implanted under your skin, and wound deeply into the spiral shaped cochlea by a skilled surgeon. But preparing the teapot is only step 2. Still no flavor. Still no sound.

3.) Wait as it steeps: 

Waiting is the hardest part. All those lovely aromas enticing you, but you know it’s still too weak to taste good. That’s how it feels these few weeks post surgery. Knowing that the device is there is exciting! But we’re still too weak; our bodies need time to heal. The device needs time to become comfortably at home in your body. Time to steep. Patience. Pain, swelling, pressure, and dizziness slowly fade, until the tea is ready to be poured.

4.) Pour the first cup:

I have a favorite mug that fits comfortably in my hand and holds just the right amount of tea for me. Around the rim are words of positiviTEA, spoken into my day. I feel good when I drink from it. The second distinct part of a cochlear implant(CI) hearing system is the visible sound processor which is worn on the outside, and attaches to the implanted device by a magnet. It’s like the mug that holds your tea, and after about 4 weeks of steeping, it’s time to fill the mug. An audiologist programs the sound processor, connects it, tests it, adjusts it, and sends you out into the world to begin sipping on all the new sounds. Activation day is probably the most exciting! It’s the taste you’ve been waiting for, for a really long time.

5.) Take small sips until it’s just the right temperature:

Caution: Freshly brewed tea is hot! If you drink too much, too soon you WILL burn your tongue. A lesson I’m sure we’ve all learned. The full potential of a CI hearing system cannot be experienced on activation day. The intensity of noise that hasn’t been heard for so long, or ever, can be overwhelming. Scalding. It takes time to cool. Many new recipients of a CI express disappointment on the day of activation. It’s not the amazing flavor they’ve been smelling and anticipating. It’s just hot. It’s just noise. But audiologists work closely with CI recipients over time, introducing sounds incrementally as the brain adjusts and learns. There are so many new sounds to learn! It takes time. It requires patience. Adjustment appointments with your audiologist are set up 2 weeks apart, a month apart, 3 months apart, until sound no longer scalds and the steam dissipates. Stir, blow, sip, stir, blow, sip. Eventually your tea will reach the right temperature.

6.) Finally, enjoy:

Sometimes I enjoy an afternoon tea party with a group of good friends. Sometimes I like to relax on my sofa and enjoy my tea while I read my Bible. Sometimes I take it with me on the go, wherever life leads me that day.

A cochlear implant is a bit like that.

To Be Fully Satisfied 

The following is a repost from back in December at It felt appropriate as I adjust to the complete loss of sound in my right ear, post surgery. One of the reasons cochlear implant surgery is reserved for those with profound loss is because, through the surgery, any natural hearing that remained is removed, and bypassed. When your loss is already profound it seems like a small sacrifice.


My hearing loss has been impacting my life in a big way recently, as it gradually gets worse. Over the last 2 years I went from scoring a 52% on a word discrimination test, WITH the help of my hearing aids, to just a few weeks ago scoring a 38%. What that means is… communication is HARD, and getting harder. Without hearing aids I’m almost completely deaf, and with them, the strongest available, I still only hear about 38% of what people are saying. I rely on body language, facial expressions, lip reading, and it’s a great deal of work. Some days I feel defeated and end up in tears, exhausted by the effort of trying to decipher the day’s sounds.

But some days… I sit in sweet fellowship with my God and tell him thank you. Thank you for the silence. Because He speaks in the silence, and I love to hear His voice. When all the other voices are fading around me, His whisper has become louder in my life. His words clearer. He has drawn me in closer and revealed himself to me in ways that I may never have known without the experience of my loss. My commitment to him has grown deeper because of it. My dependence on him in even the most average of moments keeps showing me clearly how faithful and good He is. He keeps showing up and showing himself strong for me.

The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to give strong support to those whose hearts are committed to him.” 2Chronicles 16:9

He truly does seek opportunity to support us when we sincerely desire the strength of his presence. He is faithfully by our side in the midst of every moment, extraordinary, difficult, or mundane. He will never leave us.

One of the hardships of hearing loss is the extreme loneliness that can be felt. Even with hundreds of people surrounding you, and so many conversations in your midst, it is normal with hearing loss to feel alone in the middle of it all. To sit in the midst of family and friends and desperately wish you could be part of their conversation, but no matter how hard you try you just can’t hear enough to figure out what is being said, can be the loneliest feeling. But God whispers loud in those moments and reminds me He is there. I pray for those who I can’t hear, and God’s peace settles over me. The prayer life that God has grown in me is one of the sweet blessings that cause me to thank him for my loss. When I start to feel alone, but turn to him, I find that his presence fully satisfies.

A precious friend recommended a wonderful book to me called He Speaks In The Silence, by Diane Comer. She shares her story of hearing loss, and how through her loss she finds greater intimacy with God. The first half of the book is her unique story, but the second half is both of ours, because it’s mostly about how God shows up, and He is good. Reading her book blessed me! Or rather, reminded me of how I’m blessed!

The word translated as blessing in the New Testament is derived from the Greek word, makarismos, which means “to be indwelt by God through the Holy Spirit and, therefore, because of His indwelling to be fully satisfied in spite of the afflictions of life.” (Zodhiates, The Complete Word Study Dictionary: New Testament) To be blessed actually means to be fully satisfied. To thrive on the inside even if life is falling apart on the outside. To be so filled with the joy of the Holy Spirit within, that we are able to endure and taste the sweetness of His love even in the midst of bitter reality. Even when it hurts, even when we do not understand.” ~from He Speaks In The Silence, chapter 6.

God is good. ALL the time.

Shared from my heart ~ Stacy